4th of July
by TheCrimznFuckr
Summary: Its that time of year again over at the Headquarters. What is this right of passage that the trolls must go through?


A family tradition was being honored on the fourth of July at the Midnight Crew Headquarters. The crew was to corral their stab children to spend the day together to remind them that they were not the worst stab dads in paradox space and that they actually cared. This year's event however also served the purpose of turning the children into adults.

Spades was slouching in his chair at the poker table and was grumbling to himself. Clubs was locked in eternal focus on rigging the evening's fireworks across the table.

"Boxcars! Where the hell are my brownies!?" Slick barked at the towering lummox in a pink apron that was waltzing around the kitchen.

"Jesus boss, they'll be done in twenty minutes! Thats the eighth time you've asked, god damn!" Boxcars bellowed back.

"Shit Boxcars, you've been masturbating in that god damn kitchen since this morning and have not produced yet a morsel of food. It's two in the afternoon, What the hell is taking so long!?"

"Baking is a fucking sport, Slick!" When Boxcars was done yelling, he noticed that Sollux had joined his stabdad at the poker table. He directed his attention to his stabnephew. "Kid, you know where Tavros is?" Boxcars demanded.

"Hes with AA getting things for the party." Sollux replied back, not forfeiting any attention from the ghastly potent explosives he was helping Clubs with. He finished rigging his current firecracker with additional explosives that were certainly illegal and dug out his pestering device.

TwinArmagedons [TA] began trolling AdiosToreador at 2:18 pm

TA: TV, what2 takiing 2o long?

TA: KK and II are here already and your 2tabdad ii2 gettiing hii2 bulge in a twii2t.

AT: oH MAN, uH, wELL wE,,,

AT: kINDA GOT LOST

TA: Jegu2 fuck TV!

TA: At lea2t tell me you got the stuff

AT: lUCKILLY, wE WERE ABLE TO STUMBLE UPON KIOSKS, uH, aND SUCH TO, uH AQUIRE THE THINGS WE NEED.

TA: ju2t get over here before your 2tabdad fuckiing eat2 2omebody.

TwinArmagedons [TA] ceased trolling AdiosToreador at 2:25 p.m.

Sollux put away his pestering device and got back to fiddling with novice level explosives along with his stabfather, who was messing with explosives that looked so complex and dangerous, Sollux was sure that they were always armed. Such dangerous weapons forfeit all safety when they are that badass, he thought.

While Spades Slick, Clubs Deuce, Boxcars and Sollux were waiting in the base, Tavros and Aradia were busy running around.

"Uh Aradia, I don't know what any of this means." Tavros admitted as he tipped a map of the city left and right as he followed aradia.

"We might as well ditch the map, Tavros." Aradia sighed. "Okay... We came from the Bank, which is over there... Took a left... And another left... A right... No no wait... "

"Aradia, what if we wont make it soon! Pop is gonna be really mad..."

"Don't worry Tavros, your stabdad isnt too bad. Well, at least not compared to mine... Now help me out here would ya?"

"Um, okay... Well... We uh, hmm..."

As the two trolls were looking left and right down the streets of the concrete labyrinth they were trapped in, an irritated man walked up from behind and hoisted them both by the collars, catching only Tavros by surprise.

"Oh... Hi daddy!" Aradia chimed as Tavros caught his breath.

"You two are awfully late. What are you still doing scrambling around the sidewalk like idiots?"

"Uh, well, we... Kinda got lost, m-mister Droog. To be fair, Aradia and I dont come here that often, so we have no clue where anything is." Tavros said as his words trembled.

"He's right daddy." Aradia added with a smile that read 'yeah, I know I'm in trouble but maybe let me off the hook just this once?' "It all looks the same around here, its boring, to be honest"

Droog grunted and shook them a little. "Thats enough outa you two. Your lucky you got the stuff, now get in the car before Boxcars looses it." Tavros and Aradia dumped their loot in the trunk and piled into the dusty old box-like mustang. As the crew member drove them back to the headquarters, Tavros and Aradia looked out the windows to be reminded of their path. They were astounded as to how one left turn could throw somebody off so much.

By the time Aradia, Tavros and Droog walked into the Headquarters, the infatuating scent of ludicrously delectable chocolate forcefully invaded their nasal passages. Tavros looked over to where he thought they were, only to see his stabfather wrestling with Spades Slick. Droog had gone straight to the basement with all of the things Aradia and Tavros have bought.

"Get the hell off a me!" Boxcars yelled.

"Open up the oven or Ill stab the God Fearing shit out of you!"

"I said 20 minutes, god dammit! Its been 17 you impatient douche!"

"The brownies are fucking done boxcars. Take them out now, Im literally starving to death like Im in a fucking concentration camp!"

Before Hearts could reply to that, he saw his stabson and placed Spades Slick in the sink.

"Runt! Where the hell have you been!? Ive been slaving over a hot shank all day with no help at all, you ingrate!"

"Uh... We g-got lo-"

"Don't give me that bullshit about being lost, you've come here four years in a god damn row, you know exactly where the fuck to go!" Tavros' eyes began to well up, but he fought with every fiber of his being to hold the tear back. "You better tell me you were making time with that Vrisker dame like I fucking told you. If not, your gonna make me really angry!" The tall crewmember yelled as he was waving around a wet whisk.

Before Tavros could stop straining every muscle in his face to not bawl to try to mutter a response, Slick gave his two cents. "Yeah kid, way to drop the ball. If you coming earlier would have aided in the production of my brownies, then that makes me mad enough to stab somebody." Before Slick was done saying that last word, the oven released a heavenly 'ding' sound. Boxcars leaped to the oven and retrieved the generous pan of chocolaty treats. Slick was thanking every god he didnt believe in as he made his way to the table. Normally, he would have just swiped them all then and there, but he felt like being more civilized than usual, considering the arguments that unfolded upon waiting for the brownies. Also, he was too tired from the events that unfolded last night with snOwman.

Aradia was now hugging Tavros as he cried on her shoulder after waiting for the tension to die down after a while. Behind her, Boxcars walked up to his stabson with a small plate of the last four brownies. They were clearly pieces from smack-dab in the middle of the pan, where Tavros likes them from most.

"Here kid... S-sorry about all that jazz... Now stop crying would ya?" Boxcars sighed with sympathy as he ruffled Tavros mohawk and walked back to the couch. Tavros calmed down after a couple of minutes and finished the last brownie.

"Uh, oh Im sorry Aradia! Oh gog I didnt mean to eat them all... I guess I uh, got a little carried away..."

"Oh no, don't worry Tavros. Aradia giggled as she got close to Tavros' ear. "I took some before they were done when your stabdad was yelling at you." Tavros jumped a little from shock.

"W-wow Aradia, you're really smart."

"I pick things up from Daddy" Aradia said maliciously. They both sat at the poker table along with Sollux and Deuce.

"Sup AA," said Sollux as he passed his firework to Clubs who added advanced explosives.

"Hi Sollux! Wow, I didnt know you knew how to use bombs. Thats so cool!"

"Yeah, Deuce taught me. Im gonna hook this shit up to a program that I made that directs the splatter pattern of the.." Sollux trailed off into explaining a plethora of mechanics of explosives and computer software. Aradia sat there listened with her elbows on the table and her hands at her cheeks, smiling but not really grasping anything Sollux was saying.

"Uh, Karkat sure has been gone a while. Is he okay?" Tavros said, breaking the silence.

"Oh, Kk is in the basement setting the place up with uncle Slick."

"Oh, uh, we're holding the party in the basement uh, this year?"

"Yeah, Deuce told me that we ought to see what was down there after all this time, but I cant see what could possibly be so interesting."

"Its probably some sort of denizen!" Aradia playfully growled as she leaned forward. The short chubby crew member was swift to correct his stabneice.

"Oh, its much more than that..." Clubs laughed. "You kids have come of age to finally see it, and what better day than the 4th of July?" He giggled.

"Well, what exactly is it dad?" Sollux asked.

"Ooh i cant tell you now son, hehe." Clubs laughed a tad harder as he began putting the finished explosives in a burlap sack. "But I can assure you Sollux, these fireworks will be put to good use. You did a good job, son; Im very proud of you." Sollux let out a small smirk and adjusted his colorful spectacles. "Thanks dad."

Before Sollux knew it, Tavros and Aradia were on the couch in front of the television, which was showing an episode of My Little Hoofbeast. Even Clubs was sitting on the floor in front of the couch bouncing up and down in enthusiasm. Sollux sighed and decided to join them. Before Sollux saw eight minutes of this seemingly insufferable show for grubs, Karkat and Slick came out of the basement. Slick went to the fridge to grab some beer while Karkat walked over to Sollux. As Boxcars and Clubs saw Slick and Karkat come up, they figured that they would need to help prepare the evening's event and pick up where Slick and Karkat left off. Clubs waddled over to the basement door as Boxcars hoisted up the burlap sack of explosives and followed him down there.

"So Kk... What the fuck was down there?" As Sollux asked this, Slick grunted and shot a quick stern look at Karkat.

"I have been persuaded to keep that under wraps, Sollux. Now do us both a huge favor and keep your grub grabbing double dong out of it... Okay?"

"Oh, I see how it is Kk."

Karkat saw that at this point, there was nothing better to do than join his fellow trolls to watch TV. As Slick walked back to the basement to help finish preparing, he saw what the kids were watching.

"What the hell is this crap?"

"Oh, it's this new show that Nepeta, uh, showed us. It's really good… uh, Uncle Slick."

"It's a fucking Barbie doll commercial from where I'm standing, kid." Slick moaned, sticking his tongue out of his serrated teeth lined mouth. "I will never understand why Hearts and Clubs love this garbage… or you, Karkat!"

"Fuck off, dad," snorted Karkat, who found himself for a second, actually enjoying the show. Slick went back to the basement grumbling, leaving the trolls by themselves.

"So, what kind of neat-o stuff do you think our, uh, stabdads are setting up?"

"It's probably something really stupid and sentimental and fatherly," Said Sollux. "That is unless Kk wants to tell us."

Karkat looked to Sollux in a panic. "I'm not telling anyone anything I saw down there, Sollux. Even if I wanted to, it's not like I have a lot of things to spill. I was just rushed into doing these… menial chores… what the grand scheme is, still eludes me. So there, that's all I'm going to say on the matter!"

"Bluh, whatever, Kk. Hey AA, did you and Tv get the game I told you to pick up?"

"Oh yes!" Aradia said as she smiled. "Tavros and I made sure it was the first thing we got. I hope it's the right one. Tavros, can you go get it?" Tavros scurried over to the trunk to see if Droog had left it there. Surley enough, he did. Droog is too diligent to do anything he doesn't need to. When he got back, Sollux had set up a gaming counsel.

"Monday Night Strife! I've heard about this one on Gamebro magazine, it sounds fun, I cant wait to play it!" Tavros said with enthusiasm,.

"Yeah, yeah, calm your bulge, TV. Oh, and Kk, promise me you won't rage quit this time" Sollux said with a button-pushing smirk.

"Rage quit my steaming red hot bulge! Why, I'll pwn you so hard, you won't even be able to handle two of anything? My pure rage will condence into a sickle that I will wield to slice you clean vertically in half in this game, you double smug prick." Karkat barked. As the four trolls gathered controllers of their respective blood color (except for Karkat, who got a grey one), the air was so thick that Karkat could fillet it with his new pure race sickle. He would cook these fillets on his steaming red hot bulge and open a bistro. The night was spent learning the ropes of this seemingly infinitesimally addicting game. In the midst of it all, Spades swung open the basement door with his clothes ripped and covered in dust.

"Hey brats! The crew has something we wanna show youse…" This was followed by a long, mischievous giggle. "What, you want a red carpet? Come down already!" Tavros, Aradia, Sollux and Karkat all dropped their controllers in the middle of the battle and followed Slick single file down the stairs to the basement.

As they entered the room, an entire mainframe of stupefying monitors, lights and switches and levers and buttons. In the middle was a raised circle on the floor with a complex design on it. The ceiling was covered in soundproofing material. On the right was a monitor the size of a billboard that showed a green mansion.

"Um…. Pop… what is this?" Tavros muttered.

"I've waited so long to do this with you Tavros. I've waited too long to do this at all!"

"Uh, that doesn't really answer my question."

"Yeah dad, what the actual mother grub sniffing fuck!?" Karkat screeched.

"You guys know our rivals, The Felt?" Slick responded

"Yeah, you never stop talking about how you're going to stab them all one day."

"Well todays the day, champ! And you guys are gonna help u-… shit…" Spades heard an unsettling rumbling sound from the door that led upstairs. It was then where Cans burst out of the Kool-aid man style. Behind him followed Sawbuck, Eggs, Biscuits, Matchsticks and Quarters. Luckilly, Boxcars always kept a safe full of lead handy for just such an occasion. He swiftly picked it up and launched it at Cans' face, but he was unfased. Cans then proceded to march to Boxcars and knock him out cold with a haymaker directly into next Sunday while Eggs and Biscuits were busy making clones of themselves to wreak havoc. This sparked anger in Tavros, who started to resemble the animal he was supposed to represent. Rufio was awakened.

Tavros marched straight to Cans and kicked him square in the crotch forcefully. As the tank of a man bent over in agony, Tavros' uppercut met Cans' face, launching him backwards straight into three weeks ago. Everyone was looking in awe as the meek troll was making short work of The Felt's muscle. Although, the rest of them were not going to take it; Matchsticks and Quarters began to take out their AK-47s and shoot at the little dangerous child. Tavros, not to be outdone by a bunch of sad green torsos, swiftly picked up Cans and used him as a bullet shield. This is when Aradia stepped in. She took Droog's dual AK-47s and taught the gunmen not to buck horns with this ram. As the two fell, Sawbuck was there, looking worried. He got it together though, as he prepared a slow punch. It was in vain, however, because Tavros had already hammered his scalp in with his fist from behind, leaving the fat green blob incapacitated for the moment. Aradia yelled out in enjoyment as she was doing away with the army of Eggs and Biscuits with her father.

Crowbar, Die, Itchy, Clover, Fin, Stitch and Trace stormed in to help their already nearly dead comrades. Slick had the common sense to stand by the wall unnoticed as they came in, and stabbed Crowbar in the back, jacking his crowbar. He then whacked Fin unconscious before he could pull any time shenanigans. Trace realized what was happening, and turned to confront the murder-happy crew member, but only got stabbed himself. Karkat caught notice of the Felt members, Die, trying to pull some needle out of a doll, and sprung and sliced both of the green man's hands off. He then lodged one of his sickles into his head, Sliced it off with the other sickle and thrust it onto the ground. Slick then saw Itchy try to sneak up behind Karkat, but just wound up bleeding on the floor with a knife wound behind him. Droog was busy stuffing Stitch into his wardrobe where he belonged. Clover was shaking on the floor out of panic. It was extreme luck that allowed him to live up to this point.

Slick gave the Crowbar to Karkat. "Aradia! The egg timer!" yelled Karkat as he tossed it to her. Aradia dropped one of her guns and grabbed the crowbar in mid-air. She mowed down countless Eggs and Biscuits with her freshly loaded gun as she made her way to the purple egg timer on the floor, which she then proceeded to smash to smithereens. Hearts Boxcars had returned from next Sunday to grab the original Eggs and Biscuits heads and crumple them up like they were pieces of junk paper.

When all the green torsos have hallen, but not really died, Sollux and Deuce proceeded to drag their bodies onto the raised circle along with the plethora of explosives made earlier. Sollux pressed a button that sealed them in a tube. After all was said and done, Slick called everyone to look at the huge monitor.

"Kids! This is the moment we've all been waiting for!" Slick let out another elongated laughter.

Clubs then provided some explanation. "You see guys, that doo-hicky in the middle of the room is called an 'appearifier.' It can teleport anything I want, where I want it, when I want it!"

"And guess where we're sending it to. The Felt mansion baby! Hyeheha!" howled Slick.

Clubs raised up a box with a button on it. "Sollux, would you please do the honors?"

"Gladly, dad." Sollux then pressed the button as everyone looked proudly at the screen together as a family. As the bombs armed, horror flooded what was left of The Felt's eyes. They disappeared and appeared back into the monitor, which was now showing The Felt's mansion lobby. The view was now on the whole mansion on the outside, which was exploding from every orifice. The rumble of the explosion rumbled the earth around it and left a creator the size of Karkat's hatred for John Fucking Egbert. After the smoke had cleared, it was clear to see that the forest surrounding what used to be the mansion was engulfed in violent flames. The buildings in the area were shown no mercy as the entire city was reduced to a stew of red, white, orange and yellow. Seeing this, everyone in the basement felt a much more connected to their stab kin. They had all worked together to make this a possibility.

In the middle of the creator, there was a box of untouched explosives. Sollux pressed the button again, only to release a grand show of fireworks over the burning city. They were so bright and spectacular; they actually showed up extremely well against the dull orange sky.

Spades Slick then decided to give his last two cents. "We oughta do this again next year… hehe… stupid felt."

**AN: I know, I got very lazy at the endy part, thats why it looks like a third grader wrote it. I thought I would give the Stabkids a chance to shine along with some family disfunction. That and I just think that the midnight crew are friggin sweet. I dont own homestuck, or monday night combat :p I also apologize for the horrendous amount of grammatical errors. Its a good thing I have somebody for that. *sideglances Sebbyninga666***


End file.
